Swingers
by laneee
Summary: short crack!fic about Robin & Marian together in Sherwood...let's just say life is not all Marian...dreamed it would be. LOL
1. Chapter 1

_Kindof a crack!fic…definite Robin parody though Marian is awesome as ever…_

* * *

Robin walked jauntily back into camp, whistling and twirling an arrow between his fingers as if to remind everyone that he was the best archer in the world. Ever.

Marian glared daggers at him as she chopped carrots beside Much. Robin ignored it. They had only been married for four weeks so far, he was sure she would get used to it eventually. As she dropped the carrot and stalked towards him Will and John melted away in a cloud of hastily murmured excuses.

His whistle faltered as he noticed that she had not dropped the dagger with the carrot. In fact, she was clutching it so tightly he could see the white of her knuckles from where he was standing. He tried his best smile, but it seemed to have no effect. He didn't understand...couldn't she see how charming he was? He smiled again, and raised his eyebrows this time for extra emphasis. Still no change...what was going on with her anyway? He sighed, it couldn't possibly be his fault, so why should he waste time wondering what had set her off today.

She stopped in front of him, and crossed her arms tightly across her chest. "My lord husband," she said tightly, "I see you have returned from yet another trip to Locksley, on which you never invite me I might add."

He pasted another smile onto his face and said brightly, "Ah, yes, we were, umm, visiting the villagers. Yes, I found there were some... issues... that needed resolving at the potter's shop."

Marian just stood, examining him skeptically, so he quickly continued, "Well, actually, there _is_ something I have been meaning to speak with you about, perhaps you could come with me?" She nodded, but when he held out his hand she just stared at it. He quickly put it into his pocket, trying to make out like that had been his intention all along.

Once they were a little way out into the forest he turned to face her. He leaned casually against a tree, hoping to appear nonchalant. Unfortunately Marian refused to play along, still standing stiff-backed and tense. It might not be the best of times for this, perhaps he should wait... no.... he reminded himself that he had promised to be honest with her... and that the daring and chivalrous Robin Hood always kept his promises. Bolstered by this reminder he plowed ahead, "So, there's this thing I thought we should try, I heard about it from some French knights in the Holy Land."

"Oh?"

"Yes, umm... well, it's called Entrainant and..."

Marian's brow furrowed in confusion, and her mouth fit awkwardly around the unfamiliar word, "Entrainant?"

Well, this was going well! She seemed to have forgotten all about the dagger!

"Yes, see, in English it's called Swinging, and the thing is you agree, and I agree, and so we both agree, and in that case it would be ok..."

"Wait, agree to what?" Marian interrupted.

"Agree to Swinging!" Robin insisted enthusiastically, "And in that case it would be ok to..."

"What is this 'Swinging' anyway?" she interrupted again. He sighed impatiently, why could she not understand? He had explained it perfectly clearly, he was sure.

"It's like this: you agree, and I agree, and so we agree, and then everyone agrees that it's ok to..." he stopped and took a deep breath before blurting the rest out in a rush, "...bring others into the marriage bed, and then..."

"Wait, what did you just say? Into the marriage bed?" Marian's scowl returned and Robin kept a wary eye on the dagger as she continued, "Robin, what are you talking about?"

"See, there's this blond wench I've had my eye on -- she has this really interesting braid thing right about here," he gestured vaguely in front of his face before continuing, " yeah, right there, you would love it, and so I thought if I brought her back here, we could all..."

Marian sat in stunned silence for a moment, looking as if she would either start laughing or maybe stab him, or maybe laugh while she stabbed him, or maybe stab him while laughing, or maybe both, he wasn't really sure. Finally she spoke, "We could all what? All three of us together? Are you crazy?" She huffed in indignation, "You can bring her here or take yourself to Locksley or to the devil for all I care, but I assure you that I will _not_be involved."

"Really? I can bring her here?!" Robin exclaimed in excitement before remembering the need for a serious demeanor and continuing, "I mean to say, I am very sad and disappointed that you would not like to participate."

He considered for another moment before jumping upright and snapping his fingers.

"So, we are agreed then?"

"To what exactly?"

"To Swinging!" he declared happily, before clearing his throat and speaking seriously again, "but of course with the understanding that you do want to participate yourself." With difficulty he restrained himself from jumping in glee -- this was _almost_ the best result he had dared hope for -- of course if she had been into it...OMG! ...but this was almost as good, really, better in some respects.

Robin was somewhat taken aback by her next question.

"So, if I do not wish to be a party to your...escapades...then in order to be one of these 'Swingers' I should find something else to do?"

"Well...ummm, " wait, was that a gleam of excitement he saw in her eyes? Maybe she _had_ agreed to this too easily. Hadn't he expected her to be angry? He quickly backpedaled, "...I mean, if you aren't comfortable with this arrangement we can just forget about it, I didn't mean to..."

"No, it's fine, I agree." she stated with certainty. Hmm, perhaps this had been a bad idea -- he had not thought that she would actually...oh well, at least he could go find that wench at the potter's shop now, and come to think of it, whatever had become of Gisborne's sister? He pursed his lips in thought...he seemed to remember that she was tolerably attractive...

________________________

Later that evening, the Nightwatchman smiled to herself as she trailed Sir Guy towards Locksley. Yes...she was really going to enjoy this whole 'Swinging' thing


	2. Chapter 2

Guy came to gradually – he could remember opening the door to his chamber and then – nothing. What was he doing here, in this chair? Shifting uncomfortably, he found that his hands and feet were secured tightly. How was it that people were continually getting the jump on him? It was untenable! It was almost enough to make him doubt his competence…but no, it had to be that bastard Hood! The man was lucky enough for two leprechauns; would he never leave him alone? All he had done was take his lands, his title, and his fiancé, and Guy had clearly deserved them all, really.

Guy briefly considered yelling for his Guards, or maybe for Thornton, before dismissing the idea as far too embarrassing. He would free himself. Struggling energetically, he suddenly realized that he was getting a little too…excited. Not this again! He had known for years that tying other people up was a turn-on (he had free run of the dungeons after all), but it had taken being captured by that arrogant prick Hood for him to learn that being tied was just as arousing. Fortunately, he knew from experience that all he had to do was take one look at Hood's ugly mug for any such thoughts to promptly disappear.

Straining, he looked around the room, and was horrified to discover that it was, in fact, the Nightwatchman that held him captive. He groaned, masks turned him on almost as much as rope, and sometimes…just sometimes…he awoke from rather *ahem* uncomfortable dreams featuring the masked villain. Plus, in all the years they'd fought he had yet to hear the man make a sound. They wouldn't even be able to trade insults to relieve the tension!

Catching his glance, the Nightwatchman stalked towards him…hips swaying seductively…vest pulled tight across…No! Thinking desperately of Vaizey's bad breath Guy carefully focused his gaze on the floorboards. Maybe as long as he could avoid seeing the mask he would be…

He felt a finger on his jaw, pushing his head up until his gaze met the Nightwatchman's. Trying unsuccessfully to ignore the mask he stared aggressively into a set of wide blue eyes…funny he had never noticed how firelight made them almost purple before…and then, more importantly, he noticed that they were surrounded by smudges of BLACK KOHL! The cur had stolen his trademark!

"You'll die for this, you bastard!", he sneered, at the same time noting smugly that the man had made a bad job of it – the color wasn't nearly as precise as that outlining his own eyes. A wave of self-contentment rolled over him, the man may have taken him unawares and rendered him helpless, but Sir Guy of Gisborne had a far steadier hand and a much, much sharper kohl pencil.

It was at that very moment the Nightwatchman glanced down at his lap, blinked in surprise, then looked back at his eyes. To Guy's dismay, he then giggled? Like a girl? And muttered something about making 'the right decision'. What? The first sound in four years and it was a giggle?

Those really, rather surprisingly, pink lips curved in a smirk of their own as Guy cursed his stupid fetishes; there could not possibly be a worse time for this.

"Release me at once, Nightwatchman scum!" he demanded, hoping to draw the man's attention to other…matters.

The Nightwatchman smirked again, before, to Guy's shock, delicately clearing his throat and speaking. Well...it never rained, but it poured! First a giggle, and now actual conversation…from where had this new strategy sprung? He furrowed his brow as the quality of that voice sank in…it was…very familiar…it was…not very manly…it was… what the hell was going on here?

"I came to you tonight, because I have three things to tell you, two I am afraid you will really not like, and one that I believe you will."

And then, the man reached up and pushed his mask off.

"One: I am the Nightwatchman."

Mouth open in shock, Guy stared for a moment before gasping, "Marian! Where did you get those clothes? What were you thinking of, running around like _that_! Someone might see you!"

She rolled her eyes, "I think that was the point, Guy, trust me, if I did not want you to see me, you would not have."

Tossing his hair dramatically, Guy exclaimed, "but…but…this means that all this time you have been working with HOOD! You have _betrayed_ me! How could you!? All this time…"

Abruptly she cut him off.

"Two: I am married to Robin Hood"

Feeling the prickle of tears, Guy stared into her eyes in silence before muttering, "What is this? Is this your idea of a joke? Maybe you and Vaizey worked this up between you?" He glanced up hopefully, but saw no hint of amusement in her eyes, so the threatening tears spilled down his cheeks. Then his nose started running, so he sniffed. (He found that he just had to sniff every time he came close to crying). He continued, "I don't understand…when you came back, and you kissed me, I thought…in time…that we…" Voice choked by sobs he stopped and stared at her again, and as she remained silent, offering no excuses or explanations, he felt the sorrow instantly transform into blinding rage.

Jerking against his bonds he maniacally screamed, "I will kill him! And then you! And then him again! I will make you watch while he dies! I will…"

Raising an eyebrow, Marian stuffed one of the dirty socks from his laundry basket into his mouth before calmly continuing.

"Three: As Robin and I are swingers now, I have decided to take you as a lover."

The rage and tears suddenly disappeared as all the blood flow to his brain was quickly re-routed to other…more pressing…areas.

She pulled the sock back out of his mouth.

"Oh," he said, "Well then. In that case, what are we waiting for?"


End file.
